If Black Gays Are Still On ‘The Down Low’ It’s Probably The Black Community’s Fault

Update: This post was on The Black Snob as part of her Uncoventional Wisdom series. Yay!

This article is not an argument about whether homosexuality is right or wrong. Or an excuse for DL brothers who date women. And I don’t understand DL guys who really don’t believe they’re gay. AT ALL.  

But moving on …

One afternoon last year, a coworker started a conversation with me about her sister’s former marriage. We weren’t really friends – I’d only known her for a few days, but she was one of those talkers who would tell you her entire life story before you even know her last name.

“My sister was married to this guy … I knew something was off about him, and our mama warned her before she married him that he was gay. She’s good at noticing that stuff. But she just got mad at our mama and married him anyway.

So years go by and I see the signs – I know he’s gay. My sister’s the only one who didn’t know or didn’t want to know. Then she finally finds out he was cheating on her. And with a man! But our mama told her! She had so many signs. But she just wanted to be married….”

She continued talking about her sister, and then we moved to the topic of down low brothers in general. “Many of my male friends are gay,” I told her, “And I’m sure even if I couldn’t see it, somebody would let me know before I got into that type of situation.”

“That would never happen to me,” she said (referring to her sister). “Because I’m just like my mama, we have the gift. I can feel that demon spirit.”

Wait – what? I have no idea what my facial expression was, but in my mind, I was like, “Did she just say she could tell if guys were gay because she could feel their demon spirit?” Aww lawd. Sigh.

Now, this lady was a few chips short of a Lays bag, but there are a lot of other black people who feel to some extent that gay people just need to get that devil out of them. And this has fostered an unofficial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” culture in the black community. You can be gay, just don’t admit it. And it’s the reason a lot of DL brothers will probably never come out.

I honestly don’t understand the homophobia in the black community. We can see bigotry and inequality in race, but can’t see that gay people are people too. Gay black people shouldn’t have to pretend to be straight to be accepted.

And it’s crazy that the down low brother story is still seen as this strange enigma. “Why don’t they just admit they’re gay? Why are they pretending to be straight?”

Don’t get me started on the whole “No Homo,” phrase.

It’s the reason why the kids at the schools where Jaheem Herrera and Carl Walker Hoover attended thought it was OK to bully them for “acting gay.” Herrera went to Dunaire Elementary School, a mostly black school in Decatur, Ga., and Hoover attended New Leadership Charter School, a black school in Springfield, Mass.

The mothers of both boys brought the bullying to the school’s attention, but the administrations didn’t take it seriously enough.

It didn’t even matter if the two boys were gay or not, just the fact that they seemed gay was enough for them to be harassed every day at school. Both of them decided at age 11 that there was no way out and there was no reason to live. They had their whole lives ahead of them.

These stories didn’t come out of nowhere. Just like DL black people didn’t sprout from thin air. It’s not really about approving of homosexuality or going against your religious beliefs, but just accepting people as they are. The whole “Keep It on The Hush,” “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” culture won’t make the DL issue go away. It will only keep the practice going.

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